Notice

This is just a little note to say that I've been doing more blogging at my other blog: http://www.gorpthetrail.wordpress.com/

That is not to say that I won't blog here anymore, but there are more updates on my other one than there are here! So please look for me there and continue to follow me :)

Building Castles in the Sky (2)

Beijing is full of lights, like every city. Whether they are the lights from cars or the lights from buildings, they all add together to make somewhat of a haven looking atmosphere, but I should not be deceived because this haven is not safe. What makes it seem almost dream-like at times is in fact the smog. The heavy smog, that at times makes you feel as if you're wading through think air. Its in one word: uncomfortable. But its what makes living here seem almost unbelievable.

Aug 26th 2011
I've discovered that I'm not as smart as I thought I was. I think I know the rules of the game and then invariably, they change. I am...once again reminded that life is not a game...and there are no rules. But there are the morals and values that we live by each day. Its a pity that I'm only now just realizing it. 
Its true that its easier not to care-to distance myself and say "It doesn't matter." But that would be too simple; to uncomplicated. Nothing is ever just easy, nothing is ever really free of charge. Things worth doing, take time, prayer, thought. They don't just occur. Like my heart, it is too complicated and yet simple at the same time, too unpredictable. I cannot stand that I don't know the answer to my questions. Like, "Why am I here?"
Back to rules, there is one I think that should stand, there is one definite constant: Christ's love and God's mercy.


Sept 4th 2011
Its quiet...Beijing is quiet. Odd. This rarely happens I think. But its calm today, and the sun is almost completely awake. But I sit and wait a minute, Beijing is already on its way to becoming the loud city it usually is by noon. And I'm here, just waiting on the edge of what seems like the brink to I don't know where.
A man dressed in white walks back and forth at a steady pace. "Morning exercise," I think to myself.


There is a desperation for English in this country. Its almost staggering. It seems to me that these people who have such a beauty in their culture, their language, and yet they want so desperately to be Western. But they try too hard to reach that goal. Western themes are always overdone and overrated...There are many English schools like the one I work at, and there are more sprouting up throughout the country. Apart from that parents are asking for English tutors, English nannies, English babysitters. I can't decide if its a "need" or simply an overwhelming "want".

Building Castles in the Air (1)

I have been living and working in Beijing now for about a month and so far have considered it to be a blessing that is both hidden and completely visible at the same time. There is not one moment that I am no thankful for and yet there are many which I wish I would forget. I am constantly amazed that this is now my life and these will be the people I shall see for some time, but I think that these thoughts have not quite seeped through to my brain, nor my heart. And for once in my short life, I am at peace with this notion that I have not quite settled yet.
Settling takes time and aligning oneself with a new routine and new people...I am glad that I do not settle so easily.

Throughout my time here thus far, I have written some pages with my thoughts, my musings if you will on anything that I come upon at the time. My side-bag is almost always with me, and in it is always a pen and notebook to jot down some random thoughts, call me a nerd, but that's what I am.

Aug, 14th 2011
I am the foreigner amongst foreigners here in a city larger than I can describe on paper or in a Blog post. People stare at me, with an awe and confused look playing on their facial features. They're wondering what it is that I am doing here. I simply smile at them and nod in the most respectful way I can think of and continue walking. They pretend not to notice my acknowledgement and look away quickly. Some smile broadly right back at me. Its rather comical in a way, sort of unsettling and yet comfortable and humbling at the same time.

Aug, 25th 2011
I walked across a bridge and while crossing I saw a woman who was barely there. Her eyes were closed and the skin on her face was pulled tight. Whether it's tight with age or tight with hunger is difficult to say. "Both" I think to myself. A man is repeatedly bowing down to those who pass by, he says "xie xie" each time his head falls, which means "thank you." But no matter how many times he says "xie xie" the people still walk by without even glancing down.
But who am I to judge though? I too walked by without even slowing down, wrapped up in my life. And I selfishly thought: "I will write about that and move the hearts of those who read."

GOR(a)P

So I have about 10 minutes waiting in the Toronto airport before I board to Beijing...and I just wanted to let you know (in case you didn't) notice that I've changed the name of my blog.
Why?
Well it needed to happen...the previous title was just too, I don't know, just too long and involved I guess. So now I've changed it to GOR(a)P. Which quite simply means, "good old raisins and peanuts". I figured why not change it to something I'm a little obsessed with right? Of course right. So I changed it with the help of my family.

GOR(a)P (pronounced 'gorp') is in our family something that sustains you throughout a camping trip, portaging and all that jazz. We usually put M&Ms and Craisins, maybe some caramels and perhaps some chocolate covered raisins, cashews and almonds...all that really great stuff. Its full of energy and it gives you a will to push on while you're on the trail. At least it does that for me, I can't speak for my family. When I'm home I have a constant mix on the go...I guess you could safely say that I'm addicted. So my thought processed followed that I want this blog to be about 'being', and if gorp helps me 'be'...why not title my blog about it?
My point exactly! I knew you would share my enthusiasm! :) Thank you generous supporter/reader, whoever you are.

A Random Tidbit
So my emotions are running very high, I'm an emotional person...I can't help it! I've just said goodbye to my family and am now going to live in Beijing for about a year, teach English and get to know a completely different culture. I am so excited and nervous!! Let me put it this way: I have a huge smile on my face, but my eyes are puffy from crying. How does that sound? Pretty great right? I think it is, because this means this is a challenge and I love picking up the proverbial gauntlet as it were and saying "Take your best shot."

All of the above aside, life is wonderful, its beautiful each day and I just can't wait to enjoy the rest of now and the rest of everything else. I hope you'll join me for some gorp or as my title reads "GOR(a)P" every once in a while, here at this blog, with me.

TAXI

I've been in Xalapa, Veracruz, Mexico now for about a week and let me tell you I'm amazed at the beauty of the people, at the beauty of culture, at the beauty of their language and so much more. The country (although I'm outside the city of Xalapa) is amazing to observe and attempt to relate to, which is sometimes rather difficult, but always interesting none the less. It makes me smile, for many reasons, mostly because I'm so naive and also because beauty still surprises me, no matter where or how I find it.
Where have I found beauty you ask.
Let me tell you. My friend and I went walking yesterday, which is no different than any other day, but we went to a park that was absolutely gorgeous. There were streams and green, green trees that stretched above your head to create a canopy of sorts to block the rain. Throughout the park there were various playgrounds and swing-sets and a soccer game going on behind a fence.
When we walked to the top, of a walkway that seemed to stretch on for forever there was a couple. And they had no problem with expressing their love for each other in very obvious ways. But this couple was to me, different, not because they were expressing their love for each other (that's quite normal in Mexico), but because this woman was quite large and the man...was very tiny. But that didn't stop them, each knew the other loved the other and that was all they needed. What was more, they were making out, and my friend and I were quite invisible to them. They were totally wrapped up in each other (literally and physically).
And it was beautiful.
You may think its gross, disgusting, and unwanted. But affection in this country is always given freely and always readily accepted...something we Canadians and Americans don't see all the time.
What else...

We hailed a taxi the other day, to fit my friends and I in order to go to church. And the taxi driver began to tell us about himself. He asked if we were American, and we said yes...he asked how long we were in Mexico, we said three weeks. He told us that he had been to California to work with his five year old son and wife.
We asked for how long, he said that he was there for about seven years and then immigration sent him home...to Mexico. But his son and wife are staying there, he said that its better in California, than here. He sighed and looked out the window.
"Do you like Mexico?" he asked in English.
"Yes, of course!" we answered.
"Why?" he asked again.
I'm not just writing this for the emotional impact that it might have, but simply for the truth and love that I saw in his face when he talked about his son. It was almost as if he was a zombie, driving around and then his eyes lit up when his family was the topic of conversation. And that is beautiful.
So I've decided that I love taking the taxi, because we get to hear these driver's stories, and each one is different and each one touches my heart in a new way (I know that's cliche but hey sometimes cliches are the best way to express things). In some ways I think we all kind of metaphorically take a taxi when we give our time to search for beauty and simply listen. Wouldn't life be much more enjoyable and relaxing if we did?
 ...
How can you take a "taxi" today?

Irreversible

I once met a woman who said that knowledge is freeing and that students have access to that freedom, but they don't take advantage of it...they complain about the papers they have to write, the tests they have to take, the notes they have to make.
"Students," she said, "Don't realize the blessing they have, as with people we don't realize the blessings we have until those blessings are taken away."
Well, I must say that she was making a cliche but ever true statement. To often the blessings and gifts we receive are thrown to the wayside and forgotten, neglected...any other adjectives that I can use to describe what I'm trying to say? I could carry the metaphor and say that we've left them out to shrivel and dry in the hot sun...but I think that you probably get my point.

In Mongolia, the gift of faith is not so readily available. The church there is only 21 years old...I'M older than the church of an entire country. Mongolia is predominantly Shamanistic Buddhist, that is they believe in taboos and Buddha. throughout their country there are trees draped in the finest cloths because the trees are indicative of the Mother Tree.  Surrounding the Mother Tree there is a wall made of bricks of dried leaves (I can't quite remember if they were Tobacco leaves or not) and matches. There are patches of fabrics hanging throughout the space leading up to the Mother Tree. On those patches there are prayers written in the language spoken by Tibetan Buddhists...the Mongols don't understand it...but they pray them. Faith is not part of their religion, routine and making sure you do the right things so as not to offend the spirits. Faith is hard to come by.
In Canada and the United States, faith is readily available and readily accessible for those who would wish to accept it. God is loving to the entire world, don't get me wrong. But in Mongolia, those who believe are said to be cursed by the spirits. They are thrown out of their homes, forgotten about by their families.

In Mexico, water is precious. In El Salvador, drinkable water is called Sweet Water, it is so precious, its hard to come by. Water comes in large blue containers and that is the water you drink...not tap water. In Mexico simple things like a laundry hamper are hard to come by. In El Salvador each child has perhaps one toy...only one. In Mongolia children who cannot be taken care of are quite literally thrown out, left in the gutter. Children in Mongolia find man holes to live in throughout the winter and that is what they call their home. In Mexico, apartments with two rooms to fit five people is usual. In El Salvador, in a town called Plante Nueva, a home has three rooms, hammocks, the walls are rock...bare, no windows and the fire is kept outside under a canopy made with metal roofing.

In Canada and the United States, walls have layers, bricks, dry-walling...water is accessible and disposable. Children have electronic toys and many of them...I've seen rooms and rooms of toys that children don't use and yet they are given more depending on their age. If a child is two, they get stuffed animals, four they get a game, if their six they get books with talking pictures.
When did the discrepancy start? How did we get so divided? What happened?
How can we rectify it? Make it even across the board.
I recently went to conference where lobbying the government is thought to be the way to change things, with policies and government officials. Summits like the G20 and the G8, are seen as the way to make change. Maybe it is.
But a woman I met said that those conferences are just grand leaders from the great countries who don't have the problems of the little countries and they decide what they think what would be best for those countries. Those leaders have decided what those little countries should do. Have those countries had any say, were they involved in the discussions, taught what might need to be done? No. And sometimes those summits come up with unrealistic goals for the little countries.
According to this woman, they've made someone's hunger a bureaucratic issue. Should it be? I'm not pretending to have the answers here, I'm simply making a statement and writing about what I have learned. What have I learned? That there is a large discrepancy and there shouldn't be. For one thing the world produces enough food for everyone to eat. I know there is enough technology to share, I know that if we tried, there would definitely be enough clothing and even money (despite the fact that the strong capitalistic countries today say that the world is on the verge of an economic crash).
...
Solution? Again I don't have the answers, but maybe making a way to the answer begins with simply caring about these issues and wanting to do something about the problems. Maybe the people who have been searching for these answers for a while now...think the same thing. Maybe it begins with awareness.
Maybe our generation (that has been tagged with complacency) will change and we'll be the ones to change the discrepancy-what many have called irreversible.

Breaking Through

I don't think that we ever truly think things through entirely otherwise some things we wouldn't do. Consider it, if you analyzed everything you did, before you did it then I'll bet you half the things you actually did would not have been done in the first place. I know for one thing I would not have traveled as much as I do if I had always weighed the pros and cons. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and take a leap of faith. am I right or am I right?
That (to me at least) is a good thing, otherwise we would have people locked away in their little houses, alone and naive and completely innocent.
But you can't be innocent.

Not today anyways. There is simply no way that you can live your life and pretend that everything is ok. Because its not. Everything is not ok, but here's the thing. The world is beautiful, but it is broken and slightly abandoned by those who inhabit it. Distressing no? Do you feel like right now its hard to breathe, that you're suffocating as the walls of injustice close in around you? You feel as if its your job to fix it don't you?
Please for the sake of your sanity don't. Please unravel yourself and take a healthy step back from the problems. I'm saying this to myself as much as I am to the few of you who read this.
The problems will always be present, and they will always be bigger than what you are capable of fixing. Please just do what is possible for you to do. Please just know that your gift to fix the world is enough if your trying to fix it.
This is great news, because that means you only have to do what you can, what you are able, what you are called to do. Of course go above and beyond the call of duty, but remember that not everything is depending on you.

Just a simple realization for the few of you who are reading this simple blog.A breaking through the mold if you will allow me a simple cliche :)
Aside from all of this, I'm in Mexico and loving another country of the world. God is great, and keeps we wrapped in love and good things. I am blessed by friends and family...(sigh) I have nothing more to say.

Movement

Have you ever tried to be something that is most definitely not you? Or the other way round? Have you ever found the person you have tried so hard to find? And then once you've found out who you are, you're almost at a loss, because that would mean that your search is over.
Odd hmm?
I never have really thought about it and guess what when I do, I don't really like what my thoughts produce. For example; being aware of who I am and the impact I leave on the world. How I'll be remembered and who will remember me. Not that I'm dying or sick at all but did I do all I set out to do? Did I help people, did I advocate for those who had no voice?
In my life I have been given much and have learned throughout time that it is a blessing to be able to complain about things like slow internet or an oven that heats more on one side than it does the other.
I guess what I'm asking myself and you (whoever deigns to read this) is who are we? Are we proud of what we are and what we stand for? Or are we simply going with the flow, not asking questions and remaining aloof to all around us?
Sometimes I think my generation is one of complacency, and uncaring demeanor. But I could be wrong, I've been wrong many times in my life and I hope and pray that this time will be one of those many times.

How do we get rid of the complacency if it is there? Do something. Change it. Easier said than done right? Of course, all things worth doing are not easily done and that is why we should probably do them. At least thats what I think.

Underrated

A high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct…is known as pride.

I’m sitting in my living room, thinking and for the life of me I cannot conjure up a perfect opening for this piece I feel compelled to write for my own sake. I was going to write about the death penalty, but the words to write it wouldn’t come. So if you’re reading this hoping to learn about my opinion of that; I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to wait.  What am I writing about this time around? Pride.

I’m wrapped up in it and sometimes it controls me and when I look back on certain times in my life I see that pride had taken hold of my heart and instead of following what I should have done. I did what separated me from others, and saved me from potential hurt. 

That in my humble opinion is pride. Taking into account only our own personal interests, considering how we might be perceived over what the other person needs; that is pride. I do it all the time and it disconnects me from people—I’m sick and tired of it. This piece is an attempt to remove some pride and I guess, expose myself for the person I am or who at least I should be. If I’m following the template of the world, I would be a person who is wrapped up in my own success, considering my own flaws and wondering how I can be the best. This world is very “I” orientated if you’ve not noticed and its basis is pride.

We are so wrapped up in ourselves, constantly thinking about how we’ll look to others, whether they think we’re great, or whether they consider us to be complete fools. We are constantly thinking about the next best thing, working to build up our own repertoire of wins.

Let me put it to you this way, the “p” word is one-up-man-ship. In a conversation about accomplishments, you don’t necessarily realize it, but you are trying to put yourself above the other person and you don’t even know you’re doing it do you? Of course not, because it’s inherent in your human nature to do so. A conversation becomes about what a person can hide about themselves to keep themselves apart from the other. That person who hides the most—wins.

What’s the prize? Nothing. Their pride is preserved and they’re seen as strong, above knowing.

I’ll give you a real life example, in an attempt to rid myself of pride, and be vulnerable; I’m going to be very honest.  I’m in a conversation with a fellow, whom I’ve known for a bit, and he’s a wonderful person, but I can’t let him know I think this. I can’t show it, because I have this horrible pride. And if I show what I think, how I feel; it would mean that I’m bare, and so very vulnerable—up to his scrutiny. Plus it would also mean I’ve given in. To what? I don’t know. But that’s my pride shining through like there’s no tomorrow.

What happens after that conversation with that particularly wonderful fellow? Nothing, he leaves unsuspecting and I walk away, kicking myself for not being who I truly am and I move on, until the next conversation. The cycle repeats itself.

Let me ask you a question. Is it right that I let my pride rule my behavior instead of smiling and honestly voicing my opinion?  Instead of being open, pride closes me and instead of showing that I care, I appear aloof and indifferent because I can’t show that I care. Why? Because I don’t want to get hurt. Of course this is valid, but I’m put to shame when I read about a certain occurrence in the Bible.

In the account of the crucifixion, God willingly gave his son. W.C. Placher writes in his essay titled “The Vulnerable God” that God is (as the title suggests) vulnerable. He gave his son, even with the knowledge that we might reject the gift; throw it back in his face. According to Placher, God freely loves and in love is willing to be vulnerable in pain and risk suffering to give us the freedom of love.

Vulnerability is—in my opinion—an underrated concept. It does not make you weak. Where pride fails you, love gives you freedom and vulnerability lets you love. At a recent Bible study, we discussed this: God is love, God never fails and therefore love never fails either. So, then if we’re giving love, we’re not failing. Often giving love entails being vulnerable; giving a piece of your heart to another person, hoping that they’ll take it and cherish it. Not throw it on the ground spitting on it. Then if we’re vulnerable, we’re not failing our call to love and seek after God’s own heart, because we’re putting our pride aside.

Of course there is grey matter to every seemingly black and white situation, but here in this case it’s simple. We are to love; we are to strive to be vulnerable, following God’s example. And when you consider it deeply, being vulnerable means taking a risk. For a person to be vulnerable, they need courage, perseverance and strength. Giving yourself means you might be rejected, it means you might be heartbroken. In the end it’s you letting go of your ugly pride and being real.

At this point I have a conclusion; it is simply a challenge to all reading this—and myself. Let’s be vulnerable, throw away our pride, and love as God freely loves—with complete abandon.  Can we do it?

LOST. PERDU. PERDIDO. 失去

No, not the T.V. show. 

I’m talking about something else entirely. I don’t think I have the right to pass judgment. Scratch that. I know I do not have the right to pass judgment at all. But this is the Opinion’s section and I have an opinion that I would like to share with everyone.

Disclaimer: if you don’t like derision or cynicism than do not continue reading…because I hope that this article will be full of it. And also I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that this does not describe everyone here at Messiah; only a select few.

I’ve surveyed the student body here at Messiah and there are a few things that have stood out.  

First that integrity seems to have disappeared from this campus. It seems to be gone and I’ve seen it in a few people, but for the most part it left a long time ago I think and here is how I know. When I put on a Dining Services T-shirt, my jeans and a black hat, I become invisible. And when you’re invisible, you see things, pick up on aspects that usually go unnoticed.

A couple of weeks goes by, working in Lottie, and then you see that integrity of people is lost. Students steal cakes, take plates and utensils, as if it’s their right to take. A student will drop their plate of salad, and salad dressing is everywhere. But they simply leave it there, they don’t even tell a nearby worker to perhaps let them know they’ve created a mess.

No.

Secondly if something isn’t easy and accessible, then it’s not worth the trouble. I recently talked to a friend who has traveled to Haiti multiple times and she has noticed that they are thankful for everything. They walk over an hour for water. God is that much bigger there, because God is actually depended upon. Here everything is at our fingertips. We hardly even use books anymore, we’ve got High Speed internet. Students complain if extra effort needs to be exerted.

Here though, we leave the lights on in a room where no one is sitting. Here we leave the tap running longer than it needs to be because running water is something that we’ve grown up with, it’s always been there and it’s easily accessed. Right?

I’ll give you another example and its little, you might think I’m being over critical, but sometimes being over critical is what is needed. The Gluten Free Fridge, with the Lactaid and Silk, is literally three steps from the garbage can. But when something empty, it’s simply left in the fridge. Am I being anal? Is it something that doesn’t bother other people? I could be wrong, but my mother taught me to throw something out when I’m finished with it. How about your mom? Also, who leaves their tray on the table for a worker to come and pick it up?

I guess some students forget how to clean up after themselves to. I understand, school is stressful, you’ve got papers, and you’re stressed out about loans and lack of sleep. But it takes only little bit more effort to take your oh-so-heavy tray to the accumulator (the dish return).

Ok, moving on. Thirdly, if there aren’t multiple options; you’re being cheated. I’ll give you another example. Its Saturday morning breakfast and I’ve been working for oh say an hour or so and its 7:00am, there are bagels, a small pancake bar with toppings, the omelet bar, the yogurt bar and pastries. A student walks over to me and asks me “Where is breakfast?”

Listen I know you were blessed and you’re paying for a meal plan, you have a right to food I guess. I guess I just expect a small degree of thankfulness that there actually is food. Also, the general consensus seems to be that Lottie has less-than-to-be-desired-food. The same thing here; I just expect there to be certain degree of thankfulness that there is food to complain about.

 In some countries to have the opportunity to complain is a luxury. That shouldn’t just only be in those countries, it should be everywhere, and the entire world should consider the ability to complain a luxury. Just saying.

Fourthly, there are rules that need to be adhered to, but if we’re not willing to bend them for the exception (and everyone thinks they are the exception) than we’re the bad guy. We’re the inconsiderate one who has no heart. 

Here’s another example, not too long ago a young man came into Lottie, he forgot his card and asked the cashier to type in his ID number. She refused because students are supposed to carry their ID cards, and the process becomes that much longer. Well let me tell you. Names and angry words came flying out of that young man’s mouth as if it was his job to cut down her self-esteem.  She was silent the entire time.

Am I wrong to hold the students here at Messiah to a higher standard? Or am I expecting too much? I don’t think I am.

In my opinion, we’re all lost. Me included. I constantly pray each day I work, for my patience level and to simply love the students who come into Lottie. But I’m human and sometimes I fail and I end up despising them instead.  I’ll admit it, that most of the time I’m smiling, but when I’m in Lottie, the smile seems to disappear because I’m bracing myself for disappointment.

Maybe I’m just hard to impress. Maybe my standards are just too high, or maybe someone else’s standards are just too low. Either way there is a disconnection.

I’ll end with a quote. I once talked with a wise lady who said this “The earth is what God gave us, and the world-the way it is now-is what we’ve created it to be.” What does that mean? Just because we’re blessed with a cafeteria, a wonderful campus and education, it does not mean that we have the right to abuse those blessings.

That’s what integrity is, treating everything with a high degree of respect and thankfulness, everything. That means, you’re not singing praises, thanking God for everything in your life with your mouth and then your actions speak otherwise and your thoughts aren’t even spoken out loud because they are a far cry from what’s coming out of your mouth.

And that’s why I know we’ve lost integrity because the words I hear are wonderful, they make me smile. But the actions, they make me depressed and the smile on my face disappears.

There I’ve written what has been on my heart for the past couple of months and it feels good to put it down on paper. 

Thank you for reading my rantings.

L'Oublieux (The Forgetful)

Ne me demandez pas pourquoi vous écris tout dans une autre langue; parce que, je ne sais pas.  Mais je pense que il y'a une raison, mais c'est caché de moi. Et ainsi de...je n'a pas une explication.


Peut-être vous saurez.


Have we forgotten where we were before where we are now, or is that simply my misunderstanding of the situation? It must be one or the other because when I think about people, I think a few things, some superficial and some deep. Here are a few deep things that I think about...
Firstly, people either love or hate remembering where we come from. Either its a source of pride or its a source of misfortune and why in the world would they want to remember something like that hmm? 
Secondly, those who think on their past with great pride think and sometimes dwell on the "old times" rather often.
Thirdly, those who think on their past with great shame think and sometimes dwell on the "old times" rather often too, they just don't talk about it as much and that is simply because they don't want to remember those times. Those times lower their self-esteem and remind them of the person they wish they weren't.


The second category of people are what I have defines as l'oublieux, the forgetful. The funny thing is though that these people never really forget who they were, they are reminded constantly through their actions and the company they keep. But they desperately want to forget. 
Why?
Think about it for a second. Why would you want to forget about your past? Most likely a hideous crime you committed, or a failed attempt at something, a terrifying experience or an embarrassing situation. 


Let me be open here, and maybe I should write this part dans une autre langue. 
Pouquoi?
Parce qu'il est pourrait révéler beaucoup de choses à vous qui je suis. 
Ainsi.
But then maybe I should write in my natural language, because it might have more meaning to you then.
Decisions, decisions.
Okay, I'm going with the natural language.
Ma Langue maternelle.


Not too long ago, I had feelings for a certain fellow (I won't name him) and I did everything within my being to try to spend time with him. Call him to hang out, send him messages, email him, ask him his opinions about tons of stuff. 
At one point after school had ended for the year and we were home, I invited him to hang out and watch a movie. He said yes and then proceeded to do nothing about it, I guess he assumed I would take care of everything.
So, we both couldn't get a car and so my parents (knowing I had feelings for this chap) offered to give us a ride, because they would be in the area looking at rugs. So we agreed. But get this, I'm in my twenties and he is in his twenties, and we are getting a ride to the movies. Its so high school.
Anyways.
So we picked him up and it was just awkward, weird, frustrating and to be honest he didn't ever call me or anything after, no email, no nothing. But silly me. I just couldn't take a hint. So I kept on messaging him, and he would message me back whenever he had the time (and I know he was doing it just to be kind).
A semester followed of me, texting him every couple weeks, talking to him, nothing that a normal friend wouldn't do, but I thought...anyways it doesn't even matter what I thought. I...(I'm embarrassed to admit) wrote him a letter. It was sad.

I found out a few weeks later that he had started dating some one else.
Oh dear.
Needless to say, I probably won't be opening my heart up any time soon (not that I opened it up wide to begin with)...
But that situation right there, is something I desperately want to forget, but the harder I try, the more I remember it.
How silly I must have been to think such thoughts. What a fool I was. Its a humbling situation, it lowers my self esteem and almost every time I think I might be on top of the world, I remember that little circumstance and I'm quickly brought back down to ground zero.
Which is good; it makes me human.
But I desperately wish I could simply be forgetful about that situation, I wish it would leave my brain. But it won't.
Oh well, its a thorn in my side.

I know I'm not the only person to have gone through it, heck guys go through this stuff all the time, they just shove those feelings down and let them out through exercise or video games. I write about mine.
Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I'm doing the write thing.

Mais ne vous souhaite pas (comme moi) que vous pourriez être oublieux de certaines choses trop? Parce que je sais que je ne suis pas le suel.
*soupir*
Bien c'est tout pour l'instant.

反思 Reflecting

How does one go about making a definite change in their lives? How can they be conscious of what they need to do after they have learned something new that could potentially send them down another path?

I look out the window and wonder.
What a romantic picture this is. A person staring out their window, contemplating their problems and how they might fix them. I am not trying to be romantic or picturesque, its just actually what I'm doing and after I wrote the sentence above I realized how cheesy it sounded. So I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't trying to do that.

Let me ask you a question.
What do you take for granted?
Your family, your friends, your clothes, your shoes, your computer, your desk, phone, socks, underwear. The politics that tries so hard to hold your country together? Do you take that for granted?
The extra money you were able to stuff in your purse just in case you might want something to eat later? What about roads, cars that actually run, food on the table, running water?
Have you ever just mindlessly thrown out some left over food because you didn't want it anymore? Have you ever left the T.V. on because you were going to be back in a few minutes? What about the lights, you leave those on all the time without even thinking about it?
I'll bet you do.

I do sometimes, don't worry I'm just as guilty as you. And its unbalanced because of our mindset. We think we are entitled, we think its our right to do this. Because its ours for the taking we just take and give nothing in return.
A friend once told me that if she were to go to grad school and get her masters in psychology than she would still only be able to earn $60,000 a year.
Ahem. ONLY?!
Only in the United States, and Canada, and Europe for that matter, has the $60,000 become a little amount. I'm sure there are some other countries, but in most other countries that is a number to gawk at. Only because we have labeled personal, financial success as the highest priority can we then say that "We would only be making $60,000 a year."

Here we laugh at sitcoms that make fun of office life and how low people have become if they're driving a beat-up car. We're making fun of ourselves. But in another third-world country, they laugh at what is funny, and guess what they don't have to turn on the T.V. to do it.
It comes naturally.
Despite what you may think while reading this; my aim at writing this is not to make you feel guilty. Although it may have, but it is to inspire a willingness to make a change in your life as I have felt a spark to change in mine.
Am I bitter towards the country I grew up in? Yes. I am. But I'm not going to sit back and simply say that's the way the cookie crumbles. I would like to think I'm a human being of some intellectual capacity, so therefore I'm going to try to make a change. How?
I'm going to start by creating awareness and learning more about the world. I'm going to pray for us, because we need it. I think that's where I'll start and then, maybe a brain wave will come, and God will open doors and then the next thing you'll know I'll be on to something else.

劝说 (Persuasion)

The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveler coming down the road and the Sun said: "I see a way to end our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveler to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin."
So the Sun retired behind the cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the poor traveler. But the harder he blew the more closely the traveler held his coat round him, until at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all of its brightness and glory upon the traveler, who soon found it too hot to walk with the coat on.

Lesson: Persuasion is better than force.
            说服是不是武力更好。

        La persuasión es mejor que lafuerza.

            La persuasion est mieux que la force.

Get that? This semester I feel bombarded with languages and the four listed at the top are at the forefront of everything. So I just like translating things that I know, both for practice and to toot my horn a little. :)

Anyways back to the fable and how I can apply it to my life and maybe how you could apply it to yours. I have a stubborn will power, making a decision is super hard for me, but then once I've made the choice, I never deter. I love to push limits and expand my own boundaries, but without stepping on the toes of others.

For example when I was about five years old I stood on the seat of a tricycle; stretched my bony arms out and attempted to defy gravity. A few years after that I wasn't so lucky. I was climbing up the ladder in our barn and thinking I could use one hand to climb, I let go. I fell, and my head narrowly missed a concrete slab on the floor. My wrist almost broke instead and I simply had to wear a cast for a couple of weeks.

I always had my own ideas and quirks about getting things done a certain way, but then everybody has their ideas, its just a matter of whether or not they allow them to reach fruition.

Anways, back to the point...things seem to be more poignant and hard hitting after time passes.
And what is the point you're wondering?
Persuasion, a slow eezing, a setting in of a lesson.

Let me put it another way:
"Why do we fall?"
"So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again."

I may do the same stupid thing over and over again, friends and family may be annoyed with me, but sometimes lessons take time to learn, and soon all of those mistakes persuade us to look at our lives and make a change. But in the case of the ladder, I only needed to learn that lesson once.
I guess reverse psychology acts very much in the same way...

Either way persuasion is a powerful thing.

Desafío

This past week I traveled to El Salvador and around the country, experiencing the culture and learning about social justice and what it means to be aware...and to make a difference.

What I've learned is that I'm severely ignorant and knowledge-less, much more than I thought I was.

Above is the last video I took before leaving the country, and if you listen carefully there is a challenge, a desafío if you will.
I really don't have much more to write as of yet, I still need to process everything I've learned.
But as a final thought, I urge you to read the book of James and pay particular attention to the section on faith.

Counted

It is so amazing to live in Canada. Such a complete and whole blessing. Let me tell you that I take it for granted that I was born there and not in another country where abundance is difficult to find. They say "You don't know what you have until its gone."
I really wish I knew who "they" were because "they" say some pretty thought provoking stuff right? I mean its true, you don't know what you've got until its taken from you and then you're left to feel the consequences, whatever those might be.
On that note, today I had a million and one thoughts running through my head, and I want to share them with you. Every last one, so get ready, we're going to be here for a long time...
Just kidding! Of course we will not be going through each thought, I think that I'll just expand on two that have stuck with me the entire day.

Firstly I was contemplating about my older sister, who has diabetes and is quite sick. She is in and out of the hospital and although at times her spirit gets down, for the most part she remains joyful. Then I thought about my mom, who cares so lovingly and diligently for her, and although at times it seems they're at complete opposite ends of the spectrum, they both work together. I considered my father, who is so brilliant, I admire him so much.

And then I thought about the Canadian health care system. I think I could feel the floor fall out from under my feet when a question...popped up in my train of thoughts. Where in the world would my family be without our country's health care? What would happen to my sister if we were living in another country in which health care is under-rated, unconsidered, or where they don't even have anything?
I began to have a hard time breathing when I thought of that, because I know the answer to those questions. And I know that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it, I could only pray and hope for God's grace and mercy to work in the situation.
From that thought stemmed another thought. I wish that I had not been born into such privilege, then I would be grateful for blessings. Sad huh? I know, I should be thankful regardless of where I was born. It shouldn't matter. Its sad that I should wish to be born into poverty in order to experience joy. Its also sad that those who are born into poverty are wishing that they in turn would have been born here, where I am; then they would have the opportunities, that I have. They would have the opportunities to go to school, to simply watch a TV show, or walk down the isles of a grocery store where choices are so plentiful. And yet here I am, stressing over my choices, complaining that I have too many options.
Who am I? What do I think I deserve?
Perfection?

Me: as a naive freshman at Messiah College 

I am spoiled. We are spoiled, so overwhelmingly blessed, it exceeds our expectations and yet we have the nerve to stick our noses in the air and say that its not good enough. Who do we think we are? What do we want out of life so much that we can't seem to find it out of everything we have here? Here we are accounted for, our voices are heard, our lives are valued. My sister has health care, without it...I don't even want to think about what would happen to her.

Other countries are not so fortunate, other families are not accounted for, their voices are not heard, their lives are not valued. Someone's sister does not have health care. How are they living? How are they counting their blessings?

Another challenge to myself; how am I going to take my blessings and make them count? How am I going to take what I've been giving and know I've been blessed and use it? How am I going to use my privilege not just for me, but for others? 

Title-less

I have recently discovered a need in my life to become a global citizen. To consider the world; and that means every country and every person, their perspectives and their hearts. So much is happening these days. Libya, Egypt, Yemen, uprisings within the people, the want to overthrow government. Earthquakes, tsunamis, everything happens to the places that can't take it. Their infrastructures can't take it. El Salvador, Bolivia, the absence of water, nothing comes easily in these countries. Nothing. How can I reconcile that with what I've always known?
I've never known need, or want. I've had privileged and structure, loving parents, sisters; family. How did this come to be? How come I could have this, why is it that I take for granted the fact that the water is hot every morning when I take a shower and Bolivians don't have enough to wash their hands for more than a second? Its unbalanced and unfair, and I am challenged by it. Simply because it shouldn't be this way, I should not have more opportunities than the next person, because of my skin color, because of my nationality, because of my heritage. It shouldn't be that way.

But it is. So what can I do?

There is a deafening silence in my heart as to what in the world I will do with my life. What will I do? I shouldn't have these advantages, in fact I don't want them anymore. I want to lose my life in this world to gain it for Christ. Is that presumptuous? Am I annoying when I write that? Cause its true. I want desperately to be the minority, to be learning from those I only ever see pictures of or hear about in power points. I want to forsake comfort. I want to live without it (comfort) and be challenged to survive on less than what I've known.
Can I do it? I hope so, but its not supposed to be.

What's worse?
There is poverty here, there is brokenness here in the land of "The Have". WHAT? How is this possible? People in countries such as El Salvador strive to come to this place, but then they come here to a place that is painted as golden and where you would think you would want to be. Here there is no such thing as intentionality, as being holistic, here there is selfishness, here there is money and it has corrupted our hearts. Here people don't care, people are individuals, they stand alone, and guarded. Here, despite the wealth, people go hungry every night, or they sleep on the streets. That shouldn't be, not here.

But then I should never have known these privileges, I don't deserve them. Alone I am powerless, alone I can't do much, but with people working together much can be accomplished and much can be gained. So I'm going to search for that and in the mean time, I'm going to pray with a fervor that I hope never leaves my heart and soul.

So much to do, and only one life time to do it all in. But its easy to forget that the world doesn't rest on my shoulders. Its easy to think that "I am the change the world has been waiting for." That thought comes from arrogance and pride. Throughout this I must remain humble; I am a small wave tossed in the ocean, a breath, a split second, and still my Father in heaven loves me with grace and mercy, and still I'm given a chance to make whatever difference I can.

A Bad Thing

So I would like to share a time in life when I was...for lack of a better description, up creek without a paddle...

Oh! and also here is a video of that time! :) Enjoy!

The last few days have reminded me of peace and hope, loneliness and endings. I'd like to think that my life is one that may one day teach others, help them through tough times and encourage them. I feel that this story might be one that will.
I traveled to Dublin in the past few days, the dates are unimportant, Dublin was beautiful apart from the endless rain that graced our presence and soaked my nice suede boots...meh (I'm over it). The trip was coming to an earlier close for me because I had booked an earlier flight for the day before my friends were leaving. I caught the bus to the Dublin airport and was excited about returning to good old Cheltenham, I got to the airport safe and got in line to check in. You can imagine my surprise when the nice (not Irish) lady at the desk told me that the flight was closed...
My first thought was that she was kidding...bad stuff like this does not happen to Tricia Demmers. REALITY CHECK...(of course bad things happen to me!) What was I thinking? A list of things popped up in my head. A list of "if only's" and "what if's" all of which simply made me panic all the more. I stood in the busy Dublin airport for a few minutes clearing my head and staring at the ceiling. If anyone had approached me then, I would have burst into tears (I'm a girl, crying relieves stress). I blew out a stream of frustrated air and then made my way over to the Ryanair desk where tickets could be purchased. I already knew that the price would be more than I could pay. When the amount 100 euros reached my ears...I simply blinked and stated "I don't have enough money for that"
If this had been any other situation I would have laughed at the response from the lady (this time Irish) at the desk, which was "Oh". Well this being the situation that it was I did not laugh, I walked away and began to formulate a plan in my brain. My only aim was to get back to Britain, I wanted to hear British accents, but more than anything I wanted comfort and the sound of my mother's voice calming me down. Of course right then I couldn't have that, so using the last few pounds on my mobile phone I called Emily who was sleeping at the Hostel to let her and the others know what had happened. I asked her for the code to call Canada from here, as much as I did not want to do it, I had to ask for the help of my parents.
Two or three minutes later Emily texted me back the code, 001 (in case you all didn't know), and I called my parents at 9:45 am in the morning, which would be about 4:45 in the morning in Canada. I had not thought of that, it was THE LAST thing on my mind. I left a very tearful message on my parent's answering machine and sat on the stairs staring at my feet and the floor counting the colours that were used in the tiling. That didn't take up much time since there were only three, gray, dark gray, and black.
"Dreary colours for a dreary day" The list of "if only's" appeared in my mind again...and then disappeared into a list of places I'd rather be, and then of people I'd rather see than the random faces I was seeing here.
There is a very popular phrase that goes something like this: "Alone in a sea of people"...this sums up my feeling at this particular time in my life. I'm sure we all have gone through periods of extreme loneliness, I'm sure we've all messed up and those annoying lists appeared in our brains and the only thing you can do is simply wait. So I waited and waited until a decent hour to call my parents.
At 11:00 I called and my mom, sweet mom, picked up the phone in a frantic voice and without even asking who it was she said "Its going to be alright", welp...I crumbled and through my sobs I apologized and promised to pay them back. Before I could finish my monologue I heard a click, and then the musical sound that rings when I receive a text. It read, "Your credit it 0.00 pounds"
WAS someone filming this? I almost wanted to search for the person who was doing this to me and ask them if the prank was up now and could I go home now?
I stared at my phone, and then got up in a panic. The word "Payphone" was flashing in my mind like a neon sign. After searching the top floor and the second floor, I finally found one on the bottom floor (the last floor that I check...convenient). I followed the instructions to call collect to Canada and soon listening to the ring tone and then heard the voice of my parents.
I explained to them that I had no money, I've missed my plane and that I needed to buy a ticket home..."So where are you going to get the money from then?" My dad asked, "From you?" I asked and held my breath, "Ok"
Two hours later I was again talking to my father on the pay phone, writing down my confirmation number for the flight that would take off at 6:35 the next morning to Bristol. Unfortunately, my father booked it as a online check-in. Thus my next mission was finding a computer and a printer that worked. After talking to five different desks that said either it worked, or that it didn't, or that they wouldn't chance it, or that it works sometimes. GREAT! Well I had no choice, so I looked in my wallet for money, I had in total 5 euros, ok. With my heart in my throat I sat the computer that was connected to the printer, the only printer available for public use in the Dublin airport. I answered the questions and clicked print and held my breath, there was nothing...

And then, a click and a sheet of paper appeared out of the printer, I let out my breath and signed, something good had definitely just happened. I literally ripped my boarding pass from the printer and smiled, I dropped another euro into the computer. Now that I was able to get to Bristol I needed to be able to get from Bristol to Cheltenham. Before time ran out (I never realized how stressful being on the internet was) I typed like the Dickens an email to Denise ( my lovely chaperon here in England) begging her to pick me up in Bristol at 7:45 the next morning. I hit the send button just as my time ran out and I breathed and asked the person beside me what time it was. 2:15 was the answer. What to do? Wait.
I picked up my bag and went out of the airport, for a walk...in circles around the Dublin airport....good fun.
I came back and sat in the sitting area for one of the many restaurants. Food. That would be nice...I opened my wallet again, three euros and I still had to check my email to see if Denise had received my email. I stared at the 1 euro menu, I bought a Sundae. Good nutrients. "Yup, I am the ultimate traveler" I think, "I have no idea where my next meal will come from, or even if I'll have a next meal...character building"

This occurred a few years ago now, but looking back on it, I don't think I'll ever forget those lessons nor the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Like I said above of course bad things happen to me, bad things happen to everyone, but its recognizing that we can learn from these things that makes them worthwhile you know? Maybe you already knew that, maybe you didn't. If you did then I just reiterated an important point...if you didn't then well I think theres a saying "You learn something new each day; everyday is a school day they say."